Making every word count
As we head into the final months of the year, life can get very busy, with many of us balancing social commitments, preparing for exams and finalising important projects.
By choosing our words thoughtfully, we can show our children how to interact effectively and positively with others while also managing any stresses in a positive way. Simply being mindful of the words we use can make a big difference in helping children to build confidence, resilience, trust and self-esteem.
Here are six practical tips to consider when choosing our words and having conversations with our children.
1. Pick the right time
When young children are corrected quickly, for example, if they are told not to touch something dangerous, they often react more to the emotion in their parent’s voice than to the reason behind it. Children are more likely to understand and learn from these moments if you talk with them later, once the situation has calmed down and everyone can have a thoughtful, calm conversation about what happened and what they can learn from the experience.
2. Positive encouragement helps motivate children
Use positive encouragement when your child has partly mastered skills but still has some things that they need improve. Lisa Christopher, Director of ELC uses the example of when a child is learning to write their name. “You can then say ‘you’ve done this and this letter right, that’s great, and you’re still learning this letter. That’s great. Let’s practice that.’ Those words tell your child they are learning and that you are there to help.” It is important to explain why you are praising or encouraging them, for example “I noticed how good you are getting at balancing on your bike. I can see all that practice is making a difference, now let’s practicing stopping safely.”
3. Give praise, but keep it genuine
When it comes to handing out positive encouragement, it is true that you can have too much of a good thing. If a child is always told that they are excelling at everything it can impact their confidence when they are faced with a real challenge. In some cases this creates a situation where children avoid trying new activities out of fear of not always succeeding. Experiencing challenges and setbacks is an important part of building resilience and character, so when offering praise, it is best to make sure it is genuine and focussed on children’s efforts and progress rather than just outcomes.
4. Understand your child’s perspective
Picking the right moment to have an important conversation with your child can make all the difference to whether or not they are able to listen and learn. Asking yourself how your child is feeling before you start an important conversation can lead to more positive outcomes. For example, if your child is very tired or hungry you may want to leave a conversation about homework until they are better able to listen.
5. Consider gender-based language and stereotypes
Be aware of some of the language stereotypes that you may use and how this might impact your child.
Diane suggests avoiding gender-based stereotypes as much as possible. “Do you really want your daughter to be a princess? Young girls are impressionable, and their understanding of a princess comes from stories where the princess is always rescued by a man,” says Diane. “Words like ‘princess’ conjure up the need to look pretty and we want girls to be strong and confident and not value themselves based on how they look.” Similarly, using language like “man up” that suggests boys must be masculine, strong and tough may mean they feel uncomfortable showing their emotions.
6. Discuss words that don’t fit your family’s values.
If you notice your child using unkind or negative language, it can be helpful to explain why these words are not appropriate. For example, encourage your child to focus on what makes someone a good friend or person, rather than somebody’s appearance. If they use a word such as ‘stupid,’ remind them that everyone is learning, and making mistakes is just a normal part of life. This helps children understand kindness, acceptance and empathy. “For younger children, ask them why they have used a specific word. They may not really know what it means so when they do use an unsuitable word, it is an opportunity to talk about why another word might be better,” says Diane.
As we all juggle the many demands at the end of the year, it is important to remember that we won’t always get every word right. What matters most is doing our best to communicate with kindness, encouragement and understanding.
